do u want 2 kno my inner SELF

okay .. so i could put it in the category of " tough love: touch cookie " but u have to first come to accept from the beginning that IT IS NOT LOVE.  actually, it is merely a puzzling daily situation in my life.

about 5 days out of every 7 day week .. i wake up from a dream of michael.  i dont even think about it .. i dont even think about him .. ive done all the things i can possibly think of .. c/the exception of getting a bf just to have a bf .. or getting married because im an old cow .. but .. i dont want to settle for less .. when it comes to spending the rest of my life c/someone.  if its food, or a car, or a job, or whatever .. i dont care .. but not when it is a commitment. 

ive been dreaming about him .. literally .. the past .. hm .. 5 or 6 years .. these dreams haunt me .. i wake up .. i feel confused .. sad .. hazie .. and in a puzzlement ( is that even a word ? ) asking myself why am i dreaming about him .. i dont even think about him .. i push my mind to not think about him or remember him or to connect objects or places to our past relationship .. i dont know why i have these dreams ..

they are usually the same .. meaning .. or action .. i am feeling lost .. i see him .. but i cant get close to him .. i can see him .. just enough to see him c/someone else .. and i am running .. literally running after him .. but the more further distance i travel .. the more i am lost and the further away he is from me .. and that feeling when u are running after something and it is escaping the more that u try the farther the distance apart .. what do u call that feeling?  no .. not failure .. just puzzlement .. but i never give up chasing him in my dreams .. and there are so many girls .. all hair types .. skin colors .. ethnicities .. curly hair blonde hair jet black hair straight sleek hair dark skin pale skin asian girls hispanic girls white girls .. at the ballpark .. at the restaurant .. at someone’s house .. at the beach .. the list just gets wider and wider ..

u know .. when i was still .. hm .. how do u say .. in the action of .. or while i was still actually literally running after him .. i was in love .. even my immediate family was meaningless to me .. the more i wanted to be c/him the more i felt more alone .. i never felt so low in my life .. and the crazy part is i didnt even know why .. why would i feel so much and so many tears .. i couldnt sleep .. i think that is the one time i truly felt depressed .. i mean i feel sad very frequently .. but not depressed ..

feeling sad is a normal and healthy part of life .. because u should be healthy and strong enough to overcome that feeling and feel happy .. because life is about growing .. but when it came to being in love c/michael .. the answers would not come so logically to me .. i couldnt repress my feelings .. i couldnt pretend .. i couldnt hide from them .. so many times now and so many times before when i was a little girl .. living here in the states that i have to bite my tongue and not show how i truly feel inside .. how excited .. how rambuntious .. how annoyed .. how angry .. i really could be .. that those feelings do exist ..

but when i fell deeper and deeper into this whirlpool called michael .. there was no shielding the truth of how purely vulnerable i was .. my actions proved strongly that he was my puppet master .. i tried to fight and stay strong .. that i could deny him the things that i truly wanted ..

and while being depressed .. for the first and only time .. i went through a period where i couldnt eat .. i only drank water from being dehydrated .. in one week i lost 10 pounds .. i couldnt reach him .. i wrote him letters .. i dropped out of my classes .. i didnt know what was more painful .. the humiliation of everyone close to me seeing me go against all my principles of life or the fact that i was uncontrollably in love c/someone icy cold to my heart .. do u ever watch those soap operas .. the asian ones where the asian girl stays at home crying and wishing and waiting for her man?  well .. that was me ..

then i went through a transition .. i was finally ready .. i decided to cut him out of my life .. i began to push through my habits of thinking of him and pushing myself to imagine how would it look like and feel if he was not part of it .. and for once my lips and my heart smiled again in unison.  yea yea yea .. so months later .. i did end up hooking up c/my recent exbf .. man .. i really didnt want a bf so soon .. but well thats how it happened ..

i think even while dating and seeing my recent exbf .. i still had dreams of michael .. i confessed one day .. i think he was very understanding .. and supportive and months later .. they went away ..

they’ve been gone for a long time .. after my recent exbf and i split up .. i had a couple of dreams of him .. then i think they all went away .. and i think a couple of months later .. dreams of michael began to reappear ..

so .. u can tell me all u want .. that i still love him .. or that i still want to be c/him .. that i need to grow up and just get married .. or that i should go look for him .. u know what?  i dont care what u think and i dont want to hear about it .. ive been dealing c/this for years .. and i will not do anything about it .. but just not think about it .. i can still function like a sharpshooter .. c/these daily situations .. in a relationship .. i usually dont even tell people i date about him or what happened or these dream episodes .. it just causes me to be more cold or more affectionate ..

in some ways .. i do wish that .. well no i just wish that these dreams would stop permanently .. its not really michael .. its the feelings of puzzlement .. the feelings of loneliness .. of feeling lost .. of feeling that ur losing something .. but then u dont know what ur losing .. u dont know why u would feel lost .. those feelings come to me during the mornings .. so ironic .. those feelings .. because whenever i feel puzzled .. my problemsolver mentality goes on autopilot .. by default and pushes me to find solutions to the problem and goes after it .. whenever i am alone .. i am most happy .. when i am feeling lost .. well .. when am i feeling lost? like never! hehe ..

at the same time, ive been doing some thinking .. and one of my hypotheses to this phenomenon is that i am so what people ive been involved c/cold that these dreams keep me in balance c/my heart side .. the warm passionate feelings .. even if they are sad or puzzling .. when i am around people .. i would tend to keep those what people call warm fuzzy feelings inside .. i mean i can smile and act girly .. but i dont truly feel that way toward people .. i dont feel anything .. but while i am dreaming .. these dreams of michael .. i do truly feel .. like my heart is smiling .. even if sad things are happening .. like me chasing him in my dreams .. and the acting girly part .. well i guess i could truly show to him how i feel inside .. when someone truly knows u .. u dont have to express an emotion to show them how u feel.

Did u guys know that Safeway is having a sale on cake mixes and frosting?  99 cents bebe!

So I bought some ..
Milk Chocolate cake mix
Strawberries
Smuckers Chocolate Syrup frosting (not 99 cents, 2 for $5 instead of 1 for $2.99)
Cup cake tray (12 cupcakes) nonstick
Cup cake cups
13×9 rectangular nonstick tray
Eggs
Olive oil or veggie oil

Safeway has a promotion on strawberries - BUY 1 GET 1 FREE!
$3.99 each not the green basket size but each container would fit 2 of those green baskets!

I was so tired today from walking to the grocery store after work and then cooking right when I got home.  But it’s my roomie Gookie .. bday.  I already made a card for him yesterday.  You have to try it!

Prep:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Put cupcake cups ( 2 per hole ) in tray.
Rinse 13×9 rectangular pan.

Mixer:
In a mixing bowl:
Eggs
Water
Oil
Cake mix
Mini Marshmallows
White Chocolate chips

Use a fork or electric mixer and mix and mix until smooth like putty.

Scooper:
Use a table spoon and scoop into cupcake cups only up to half the cupcake cup.  U don’t need a huge mound, the shorter the better in this case because u will turn it upside down and want it flat as possible.

The latter of the batter put it in the 13×9 pan.  Use the spatula or spoon and even it out.  Sprinkle marshmallows and white chocolate chips on top.

Put cupcake tray and 13×9 tray in oven.  Bake for about 25 to 30 min.
Good idea to check it out within 25 min.

While ur waiting:
Rinse strawberries - count 3 strawberries per cupcake = 3 x 12 = 36
Cut a v into top of strawberry where stem is, if it is kind of wide cut along the thin side .. when u turn it toward u it will look like it was thin so u can get the heart shape.  Then slice them med thick.  Put them on a plate or container.

Smells yummie:
Okay so everything is done baking: gently push the top of the cupcake .. is it bouncy a little bit but a bit firm?  It’s done!  How about the cake?  Is it firm a little?  A little soft is good — because don’t forget when it cools down it will get a bit hard!

Cupcakes Dress Up:
For Each CupCake:
Get a teacup saucer size plate:
Remove cupcake from cupcake cup.
Cut off the top part to make it flat.
Turn it upside down on the plate.
Put slices of strawberry on plate surrounding the mini cake.
The pointy part of the strawberry slices pointing toward the cake.
Then squeeeeeeeeeze the milk chocolate frosting on the strawberries and cake .. like the design of a star .. 3 times per each way so u get enough chocolate fudge on it! 

Spring Mushroom Cake:
By now u are wondering what the heck did I make on this cake?  It looks like cheese .. or it looks sick .. or it looks like its dying .. whatever! Shush!  I thought of it because I LOOOOOOOOVE mushrooms .. I know I know I know .. everyone tells me that they are not veggies .. but they are my favorite veggies .. hehe .. so this was my impression of spring mushrooms .. mushrooms in the spring .. hehe .. so anyway .. u can wait for it to cool down a bit .. if u eat them like 5 min after out of the oven .. it was WAY YUMMIE .. my roomie SPRINGROLLS .. she thought it looks weird then she ate a little piece and she said " oh its pretty good! " um yeah like duRR .. u can put c/the leftover strawberry slices if u want or hm .. just eat it like that .. I’m bringing some for work tomorrow and gross out and impress my co-workers .. they will think the same .. like eww .. is that mold .. eheh .. but once they eat it they will be like wow!

For the mini cakes .. after u are done dressing them up .. ie strawberries and chocolate frosting syrup thingie .. put them in the fridge .. they taste better cold!

Enjoy!

note: i’ll take pix later to show u guys!

xoxo
alissa

Did u know this?  I was sad when I found out .. in fact, I am still sad .. this is the second time since last year that I will have to miss out! .. I already made plans to go away for the weekend ..

He’s one of my favorite dj’s .. a couple of my friends are going!  U should also if u like music that is the same style that I have listed on my profile:

If u go to www.1015.com, u will find how to sign up for tickets:

pvd .. short for paul van dyke: has some awesome music .. some of my favorites are:

1. nothing but u
2. castles in the sky ( l i v e )
3. the other side* where i got the name for my blog category
4. we’re alive
5. for an angel

his trend is very .. soft mellow light happy very lite emotional beats ..

if u do intend to go on the 28th let me know how it goes!

did i ever mention how much i LOVE food?  i think sometimes i love food more than guys .. if u think about it .. the food that u tend to it learn about and come to love are food that smell good tastes yummy .. unlike most guys .. yuck!

haha .. im kidding ..

so my latest creation was actually a mere accident and i was being lazy but creative .. all at the same time.  the lazy part was that i didnt feel like cooking rice .. i have had rice for the past 3 months straight .. i m getting sick of it now and want to progress back to noodles .. the past 3 months ive been going to korean market instead of chinese market for grocerries .. do u guys know the one that in daly city on um near the john daly exit? .. um yeah .. i went there ..

so i remembered that i bought some cream of veggie soup powder thingie a month ago .. i was in a soupy mood today .. so i was cooking that .. when i finally did a taste test .. it wasnt quite right .. so i thought i would add stuff .. i put in some frozen corn .. which is one of my ingredients i always have stocked .. and recently i also invested in some chicken breast .. which if u know me personally .. i NEVER use chicken breast .. i dont like white meat at all .. just dark meat .. so its a new thing i am trying out .. because white meat is usually very boring and dry .. dark meat has diff flavors .. so juicy .. u put in chicken and then start boiling the noodle.  i found this noodle at ranch 99 a while ago .. it takes forever to boil .. so i wouldnt recommend it unless u are very patient .. i was thinking to myself .. "oh, no wonder it was on sale" .. hehe .. when the noodle is done .. this time when u put it in the strainer dont add oil .. put on a plate .. no water .. then scoop up some of the sauce that has the chicken and corn in it .. add some salt and pepper .. then garnish with some raw fresh green onion that is sliced .. i was hungry .. no pix this time .. i need room for pix of me .. hehe

sounds yummy?  here’s the recipee:

1 green onion
.5 cup OTTOGI brand veggie cream powder
1/4 cup frozen corn
1/4 cup tiny ( like size of ur pinky ) cube chicken breast
  ( uncooked )
noodle ( thicker somen, thinner wheat udon noodle )
2.5 cups water
3 dashes of salt
3 dashes of pepper ( prefferably white pepper )

1. In small pot put the water.
2. Put in the veggie cream powder in pot and stir.
3. Try ur best to stir and mix the powder c/water so that u are depleting the lumps .. lumps make it yucky and taste like fake food!  we cant have that!
4. Put in the corn. 
5. In a separate pot boil the noodles.  Slice the green onion.  Set aside.
6. The sauce should be boiling soon: put in the chicken.
7. Mix the stuff together … check for lumps again.
8. Is the noodle done yet?  If done u timed it perfectly!  If not .. make sure ur sauce is not boiling, it will get lumpy and if u are not using a nonstick pot it will burn.  Turn it down! Dont forget to mix.
9. So the noodle is done?  Put it in the strainer .. put cold water for 5 seconds.  Put what ur eating on a plate.
10. Turn off heat on sauce and scoop out sauce on top of noodle.
11. Garnish c/green onion on top like about a tea spoonful.

Note: This serving is for one person to two .. if u want to have more people involved just multiply according.

ok so .. for those who know .. u know already .. and for those who dont know .. i just QUIT my second job .. well technically, now its not a second job .. hehe ..

therefore, now i have to totally watch my spending .. since my second job was intentionally for saving up for the laptop!

yet, i still plan to get it .. leaving the other one caused me to deplete most of my savings which was for the laptop .. now we start over .. i have a job at a company that i feel happy c/ .. so its worth it .. plus yes i am still saving up for the laptop ..

okay now i can mostly dream of what i would buy at bebe compared to my previous shopping procedure: 1. online window shopping 2. saving up 3. going to the store and try on 4. if i like i buy!

my bebe shopping wishlist:

HOODIES & PANTS:

Smocked Waistband Rhinestone Hoodie $79.00

Smocked Waistband Pant $59.00

Pima French Terry Ruched Hoodie $69.00

Pima French Terry Capri Pant $49.00

so at my job .. i dont have to dress up .. in fact, i started wearing my bebe stuff and they think its cute .. furthermore, i have enough nice tops and skirts .. im not in the market for them at this time.  i bought enough last year!

however, i am shopping around for some nice knee-hi length black leather boots .. c/the chunkie heel so i can dance in them all night .. the current pair is starting to REALLY fall apart .. if u know where are some good ones let me know .. oh yes and i have not small calf muscles .. thanks!

well do u do u?  this game is funky .. its good for when u had a bad day at work or c/ur bf .. haha losers!  .. so try it ..

Ray Part 1: 

Ray Part 2: 

tell me what u think ..

have u heard of this group? .. well if u havent now u did .. and if u have before and even if u just have heard of this group .. now u think the totally rock and sh.. their music sounds like music i’d love to get drunk and f .. to but i dont like to get drunk so there goes the house .. but seriously .. check out the streaming videos .. yikes i mean they have a keen sense of creativity .. innovative quality .. music sequence .. and sarcasm .. sarcasm is totall hot right?

Dorky White Dudes on Treadmills in a Dance Sequence

Same Dorky White Dudes Dancing in the Backyard

Dorky White Dudes on Letterman .. what the heck?!

Clip 1 of Kids Trying to be Like Dorky White Dudes

Clip 2 of Kids Trying to be like Them

Ice Skaters Trying to Be Like Them in the Olympics

Video Clip Makes U Dizzy and Drunk

Video Clip of Another Song

what did u think?  i think they have a website .. its okgo.net i think or rather .. not sure ..

Last nite I met my friend George’s children .. they are so adorable .. its so ironic how our children is half of u and half of me .. u know what i mean .. hehe .. and i see that side of them that is just like their dad .. George is so fidgety he can not sit still .. i mean we were supposed to watch a movie yet he kept getting up to fix things to eat and drink .. it was absolutely hilarious .. and thats just what i see in his daughter Bella when she was rollerskating in the living room hardwood floor .. while eating a banana and simultaneously trying to fall down .. hehe .. and Ethan his son and kicking this huge ball around the room .. they were and are absolutely adorable .. not because their dad is adorable or anything but because u can see the big heart in them ..

First Pix: Bella and Stickers ..

I struck a deal c/them that if i read both of them 2 books one that each child chose for me to read .. each has to sit down c/me on a chair together to keep me warm because their dad is such a booger and didn’t turn on the heather .. and sit in the chair while each book was read ..  each was given stickers and each a whoopee cushion as a toy .. i figured if each had a diff toy it gave each one the potential for boredom or feeling competitive to swap toys .. however, rather it was so cute .. no more fumbling .. and they were feeling sleepy and quiet .. i kept them entertained because they are so rambunxious by asking questions about pictures in the book and why and how questions about the story .. they were very much attentive .. they are good cute children.

Second Pix: Ethan and Bella Tongues

While I was trying to watch some Thomas the Engine .. George turned up some music .. like it was about midnight .. omg right? .. the song was " Dontcha " like omg .. what the heck .. his kids were dancing to the song and he recorded them .. Ethan was a good dancer .. i mean he still is .. if only i can find the clip .. i’ll insert it here X .. hehe .. he goes c/the rhythm and changes the steps up and the pattern and sequences .. so cute .. Bella was attention thriving as usual and was trying to block the view of Ethan .. poor Ethan most kids would quarrel over attention but Ethan was just doing his own thing .. he’s so adorable .. i think he would become that " good husband " type one day .. so chill and down to earth and patient.*

Third Pix: Ethan and Bella Smiling

There are some things about my past that i regret .. but i will never regret my attempts of having love and care for my siblings .. u know my lil sis’ friendster is listed on my friends list?  michelle who goes by mimi .. i call her turtle because of her big nose .. she is so adorable .. she is only 13 .. everyone thinks shes my age or 21 .. haha!  funny huh?  chris .. who i call chinkie because he’s the only one in my immediate family who doesnt have eye lids .. hmm .. huh?  he’s far away in davis .. my family loves him so much they drive to see him every weekend .. being the oldest is tough my parents bitch about cuming to see me here and always are not happy c/whatever job or guy i get c/.. i guess its time when they need me i feel loved and appreciated.  There are more things on my family in the section .. Tough Love/Tough Cookie ..

Found this pix somewhere in my email erasing shifting day .. u know those days where ur email gets bloated and needs midol or advil which is better because all the friendster or other blog notifications and spam .. i had sent myself this pix .. yuck i look like a fat bird in the pix .. but Elaine is this sweet sweet girl .. lets see .. she’s SINGLE!  .. she is so sweet .. she is hm cosmetic counter girl .. and she is soooooo sweet .. she is the sweetest person i worked c/at that job .. very polite gentle ladylike and conservative .. if u guys are looking for a good obedient housewife but i think u have to be a good boy too .. she is so for u!

I miss u Elaine!*

i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE san francisco ..
… and what better than to hang out c/old friends and make new friends who are from .. san francisco .. here are some city friends i have that just know how to get down .. have a good time .. and know how to party like a rockstar!*

gigi: she is sooo sweet .. =] .. last we went partying together like a rockstar .. she let me use these soft fuzzy socks .. =p

roy: hes spending 3 mos in thailand .. so we’re having prethanksgiving c/him .. roy is so awesome .. he lives in a high rise apartment downtown sf .. i just LOOOOOVE the view .. roy loves to travel and entertain ..

norak: (on the right) .. he is so chill and sarastic .. pretty cool dude .. we love having convos about our life learned lessons .. which are both funny and crazy .. =D

patrick: (on the left) funny like him carrey and he says he likes hanging out c/me because i am always smiling .. aww .. <3 .. sometimes i cant tell who is sweeter pat or gigi?

amy: nice girl .. dont know her too much because she passed out onthe couch while we were still at desert .. hehe

zanab: shes from vancouver visiting .. she seems cool .. anthony <3’s her tatas .. hehe =p

dont have pix of the food .. c/the camera phone not having a flash and being tired and stuff .. i couldnt take it .. i brought fruit salad which had figs plums grapes mangos papayas etc .. roy made turkey .. anthony made green beans and garlic mashed potatos .. norak brought the pie .. hm and we had sake wine and etc ..

there is another thanksgiving get together i might take pix there too .. =]
happie thanksgiving everyone .. be happie and be safe*